so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
