Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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