the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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