So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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