My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
