There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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