i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize