what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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