True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
