i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
