My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
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You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
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She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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