This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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