you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
