What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
