I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
