I cannot find my penis.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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