Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
