...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
