We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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