tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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