come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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