First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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