just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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