I faked an abortion last night.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
