so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
