Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He? As in you personified your dick?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
