Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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