You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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