fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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