yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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