oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
