apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
