His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
