im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The air was thick with penises
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
