she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
