fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
