You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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