my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.