This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY