I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Dating After Heartbreak
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.