I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"