I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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