hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
