Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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