There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
