So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You are a genius and a whore.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
