I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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