I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
