3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
