ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
