did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
