i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
