I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
