hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
