oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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