addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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