Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
