May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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