I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
